How to have “the talk”
As a gynecologist I have talked about sex and vaginas for my entire career. As a mother, it was an entirely different ball game. Here are the lessons that I learned through trial and error, talking to great moms, and going to conferences about the adolescent brain and sexuality. We need to answer our children’s questions in ways that they can understand. We need to maintain open communication with our children around bodies; all of the parts of our bodies. Often times we project our personal discomfort with talking about genitalia on to our children. Here are some tips and tricks to help.
Answer only the question that is asked. Children will ask a follow up question if they want to know more. How does a baby come out? From the vagina, or if you had a cesarean section, from mommy’s tummy. Why does daddy (male care giver) have a penis and mommy (female care giver) not have a penis? Talking about egg and sperm in a matter of fact way takes the stigma out of the conversation.
Start early using the correct terminology. When my daughter was in preschool her teacher told me that she (my daughter) came out of the bathroom with her hand in her underwear. When the teacher asked her what she was doing she said “I am taking my underwear out of my labia”. We had a good laugh that she knew her anatomy so well but it was very clear what she was doing. We don’t call our nose a “nay nay” or our mouths a “mo-mo”, there is no reason to call the vagina a “va-jay-jay”. By using the anatomical name for the body parts it normalizes them and encourages easy conversation around issues with them.
Try and answer the questions that children ask when they ask them, even if it is not a convenient time or place. Explaining what tampons are after the fireworks display at Epcot was not the way I envisioned telling my daughters about periods, but there we were. If it is not possible to answer the questions when it is ask, circle back to it at a more appropriate time. When my friend’s son asked “why is my penis so hard” while in church, she was correct in not answering the erection question in that situation. Later that day she approached the topic and she and her 4 year old had an age appropriate conversation around erections.
If you have teenagers and have not engaged in conversation around sex, sexuality and relationships know that it is never too late to talk about it. Children start talking about sex during recess, on the bus and between academics at around age 8. So that is when you want to initiate conversation around sex if you have not already. If your child is not ready to hear about it they will let you know. If you are hanging with your tween or teen and you see something in a movie or on television or on social media that has sexualized content - use that as a springboard to talk about what is going on and how it applies to your child. For example, if you are watching a show on Netflix and two teens are kissing and then they “hook up” asking your child after the show what they thought about how it was done. Was there conversation about contraception, consent etc. Also asking questions about them or their friends: “has this happened to you, or your friends”? How do you feel what you see something like that also can open the door to conversations.
Pornography is out there and is teaching our teenagers for us. The average age that children are exposed to porn is 11 years old. It can often raise a lot of feelings from excitement to shame. Tween and teenage brains are not always equipped to process what they are seeing and there can be shame around talking about what they are seeing and how it has made them feel. Children don’t always understand that what they are seeing with pornography is a movie and it is fake. They are using it to “teach” themselves about sex, what to do, what it should look like and how they should behave. We need to be the grownups that they need to teach them what a loving, consensual and sensual relationship can be.
If you need more information and education talking to your children about sex and sexuality there is a great resource that I use and recommend to parents and educators. The organization culture reframed has free resources that are well sourced and effective. Please go to culturereframed.org for more information.
Like so many things in life, the more you do it the easier it gets. I challenge all adults to break down barriers and normalize the conversation. It will bring you closer to your children and help them to become the amazing people they are destined to be.