Letter to New Moms
Dear New Parents/Caregivers,
Congratulations! Your new baby(ies) are here. Now what?
Here are six things that I wish someone had told me twenty -two years ago when I brought home my first child.
I was an overachieving chief resident in obstetrics and gynecology at a time when there was no restriction in work hours. I was a perfectionist who was deathly afraid of failure. It was the perfect set up for postpartum depression. The nurses laughed as I was discharged telling me “we put the batteries in on your way out”. I didn’t understand what that meant until I had my first night with my crying infant.
The following information and tips are the gifts I now give to all of my patients.
There is no ONE right way to parent.
If there was only one correct way to parent there would only be one parenting book out there. There are MILLIONS of people who have published their way to raise their children, and all of those ways worked for them. Take all the advice that you are given and put it away for when you need it. There are so many variables to contend with every day. The more tools you have the better. If your baby is fed, clean, dry and loved then you are doing it correctly – even if they cry.
There is no ONE right way to breast/chest feed.
Pumping, intermittent nursing, dream feeding, hind milk, pacifier, no pacifier, co-sleeping, nipple shields. There are so many variables there as well. I tell all of my patients if there was only one correct way to nurse a baby then there would be one book and/or instruction manual. There are MILLIONS of books on this topic too! If your baby is growing, peeing and pooping and seems satisfied at the end of eating- You are doing it correctly – even if they don’t always burp.
The Kesselman 55/5 rule
This helps to minimize the people who come to “help” and sit on your couch and hold your baby while you entertain. The rule is for every 55 min of real help that someone provides they can hold the baby for 5 minutes. Help is doing laundry, dishes, making a meal, taking the dog for a walk, playing with an older sibling.
Do not invite anyone into your home that you are not willing to show your breasts/chest to if you are breast/chest feeding.
In the first few weeks after the birth of a child you and your baby are establishing a pattern, a bond and you are getting your groove on with how to do this baby thing. If you are seeing cues that your baby wants to feed you should be comfortable with the people around you to whip out a boob and let your baby latch. If you stand on ceremony and wait for someone to leave it may be 10-15 min before they are actually out of your space. During that time your baby is getting more irritable and that in turn makes you more stressed. That is a rough place to start to connect and nurse.
Make sure you are eating, hydrating and sleeping.
These are the ingredients that make milk if you are breast/chest feeding. These are also the best way to heal, adjust and survive the first few weeks. Babies are loud sleepers. See if you can get a few hours of sleep in a different room from the baby. Often times we just settle down to fall asleep, the baby makes a noise and we are awake and they go right back to sleep. The “tired/wired” feeling of waiting for the next noise will often prevent restful and restorative sleep. If you have a partner alternate who gets the 2-3 hour chunk of sleep. If you are going solo in the adventure of parenting see if you can have a friend, parent, sibling come over daily to chill with the baby so you can crash for a few hours. You need to take care of yourself if you are going to be responsible for someone else.
Baby blues are really common and usually begin to lift after 2-3 weeks, postpartum depression usually takes over at around 3 weeks after delivery.
Not getting enough sleep, food and hydration will often make new parents feel depressed, out of control or overwhelmed. If you are feeling helpless, hopeless, not wanting to be around friends, family or your children; you could have postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is a really lonely and isolating place. Admitting that you are not having the time of your life with your new infant feels like failure or like you are not a good parent. NOT TRUE! You are going through a transition that is difficult and may trigger past trauma. Your body is different, your hormones are different and your delivery may not have gone how you planned. This is a big change. Honoring your negative feelings and asking for help is actually a sign of great parenting. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, your children or someone else, please call your doctor immediately or go to the emergency room.
If you are loving your baby, feeding them and connecting with them, you are succeeding. There is no failure, only learning. Babies are resilient and forgiving. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to the people around you who are trying to help. Give yourself the grace to LEARN how to parent. None of us know what we are doing at the beginning no matter how much we read and try and prepare. The good thing is that babies don’t really remember anything until they are 4 or 5 years old. Good luck, have fun and yes, the days may feel endless but the years fly by.
Sincerely,
Dr Kesselman (The Girlfriends’ Gyno)