Changing My Self-Image Through a New Lens
Menopause is a deeply personal journey that changes how a woman sees herself. Much like puberty, it brings sleepless nights, anxiety, mood swings, hormonal shifts, and sometimes acne. However, unlike puberty—which marks the beginning of a woman’s reproductive life—menopause signifies its end. Yet, it doesn’t make a woman irrelevant. I speak about menopause at conferences and workshops, and in the office encouraging others to see it as a renaissance—a rebirth. It marks the end of unpredictable bleeding and mood swings, a stabilization of weight, brain fog, and libido, and the arrival of quiet wisdom. While I often speak about it, living through it is a very different experience.
As a teenager, I dreaded puberty and, at 15 my mother brought me to the doctor to see if I had delayed getting my period by sheer force of will. However, no child can avoid becoming an adult and by age 20, I had become a regularly menstruating woman. I navigated periods, contraception and pregnancies and my menstrual cycles never really bothered me. In my early 40s, I started running half-marathons, and sometimes woke up drenched in sweat, assuming it was from the intense workouts. Over the next few years, I went through a divorce, sold a house, bought land, and built a new home. I became chairperson of my department, navigated the challenges of a new CEO, and dealt with the stress of the Covid pandemic. I left one job at a small hospital and joined a larger group at a busier bigger hospital. Both my daughters went away to college and my mother passed away. I saw all of these transitions and major life stressors as reasons for my night sweats, hot flushes, mood swings and brain fog. I turned 53 years old and realized that the transitions outside my body were over, but the transition inside was still happening. Yes, any of the things that happened in my late 40’s and early 50’s could cause my symptoms - but maybe menopause was the root. I had gone through a lot of losses in a short period of time, but I realized what I missed most was my estrogen—and thankfully, that was something I could and did replace.
As I embraced my "renaissance," I faced new challenges with my body. My Peloton numbers weren’t improving, my waistline wasn’t shrinking, and clothes shopping became more frustrating. Was it “long covid”, weight gain, not enough protein, Menopause, or a cocktail of more than one? Menopause forced me to shift my perspective, and I realized I needed to stop seeing myself for what I wasn’t and start accepting who I had become. It was time to break out of my rut and see myself through a different lens.
This shift in mindset led me to a photo shoot at JAG Studios in Greenwich, CT. Jacklyn and Chris put me at ease immediately. Multiple coordinating phone calls and emails had laid the groundwork and primed me for the day of the shoot. They created a space for their clients to feel comfortable, confident, and open to taking chances. We curated outfits, worked with light and shadow, and curated settings with texture and color. Music played, I laughed, cried, and tapped into a side of myself I’d never explored before. The experience was about letting go and letting the camera capture what it would.
Later that same day I saw the edited photos that had not been retouched on a 12 foot screen. The images were raw and powerful, sexy and daring, playful and fun—I was taken aback. It was the first time I truly saw myself as beautiful. I’ve always struggled with self-image. But in those moments of reviewing and selecting my proofs I let go of the need for perfection. I cracked open and was able to see images that captured strength, silliness, and beauty. It was a moment of acceptance, and grace. It was a moment of embracing imperfection, and of seeing myself in a new light.
When I later reviewed the retouched proofs to create my final album, I was blown away. I shared them with my daughters, sister, and a few close friends. Each time I look at the photos of my body I love it a little bit more. I am so grateful to JAG studios for creating an environment of acceptance and comfort, and for drawing me out of myself. Jacklyn and Chris used their extraordinary talent with their camera lenses and their kindness and creativity to create art –and I was the subject of that art that day. I carry the feeling I had when I first saw pictures, larger than life, with me all the time. I feel inspired and empowered but also at peace. I’m ready for whatever comes with aging—imperfections, wrinkles, and all. I’ve got this.
