How to Cope After a Miscarriage

If you or someone close to you has experienced a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. There are truly no words that can adequately express the sorrow of such a loss. Here are some important reminders that I share with all my patients during this difficult time:

important reminders that I share with all my patients during this difficult time:

1. It Is Not Your Fault.
Upon receiving the heartbreaking news that a pregnancy will not result in a baby; a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings can overwhelm you. The most common is the painful question: “What did I do to cause this?” Many individuals I see grapple with their actions, thoughts, and emotions in the weeks leading up to the loss. However, it’s crucial to understand that stress, sadness, or even a moment of doubt about the pregnancy does not cause a miscarriage. Whether it's vacuuming, lifting, or any other activity, these are not to blame. Approximately 50% of miscarriages are due to spontaneous errors in cell division—something beyond your control. 

2. A Miscarriage Is Not a Punishment.
It's essential to remember that any higher power you believe in is compassionate and forgiving, rather than punitive. No one deserves to endure the pain of losing a pregnancy due to past decisions. Most frequently my patients will struggle with this if they have had an abortion in the past.  The choice to terminate a pregnancy is impactful and leaves a mark on the heart of the individual who makes that choice.  I believe experiencing that is punishment enough.

3. You May Feel Surrounded by Pregnant People.
After a miscarriage, it can feel as though everyone around you is pregnant. It's perfectly okay to offer polite congratulations and then take a step back to focus on your healing. This experience can feel like a deep wound, and prioritizing self-care while shrinking your social circle can be vital during this time.

4. Allow Grace for Well-Meaning Support.
People often struggle to find the right words to comfort someone grieving a pregnancy loss. If you’re supporting someone through this, avoid comments such as:

• “Don’t worry, you can try again.”

• “At least you have other children.”

• “It was so early; it wasn’t really a baby yet.”

Once someone sees that positive pregnancy test, they begin to imagine a future with this person in their family. A miscarriage is a profound loss, regardless of gestational age, and it deserves to be mourned. The most supportive thing you can say is, “I’m so sorry, and I’m here for you if and when you need me.”

5. You Are Not Alone; This Is Common.
Approximately 10- 20% pregnancies end in miscarriage, with the risk increasing to about 25% for individuals over 35. This harsh reality can feel isolating, but many others share this experience, and you are not alone in your grief.  A miscarriage is a brutal initiation into a very big club. If you chose to share that this is happening you may find out that there are many people you know who have navigated this in your inner circle.

6. You Can Try Again When You’re Ready.
I encourage individuals and couples who have experienced a miscarriage to understand that while physical healing typically takes 4-6 weeks, emotional healing may take longer. Some may feel ready to try again soon, while others might need time to grieve and come to terms with their loss. There is no right or wrong timeline; each couple must navigate their healing journey in their own way.

7. What Are the Risks of This Happening Again?
The two biggest factors that increase risk for miscarriage are maternal age and history of a prior miscarriage.  While there is a slightly elevated risk of experiencing another miscarriage, having one does not automatically categorize your next pregnancy as “high risk.” Unfortunately, there are no effective interventions to prevent early pregnancy loss once the process starts.  Just like there is almost nothing you can do to cause a miscarriage, there is very little you can do to prevent one.

8. You Will Be Okay.
In time, with support and self-compassion, you will find your way through this painful experience.  It will be a sad chapter but does not need to become the entire story.  Your body, mind and spirit will heal.